To Whom it May Concern

To the patrons of the men's bathroom in my office building: Gentlemen and Sirs,

As you already know, we share a common space by the elevator in the hallway known as the men's restroom. I'd like to set out a couple of "guidelines" in the following which are not open to discussion:

1. First and foremost, wash your hands. This may seem like a childish and outdated practice but please, for god sakes, think of where your hands are going to be AFTER your done fondling your gentiles. Your computer? Your phone? Food? Gross. Pigs.

2. If you have the urge to let out a sign while urinating, maybe you should have done it hours ago; keep your sounds and signals of satisfaction to yourselves--internally.

3. Don't talk on your cell phone in the bathroom. YOU'RE NOT THAT IMPORTANT. It's proof that you're a total asshole.

4. Do not--I repeat--Do not bring reading materials into the stalls. This isn't your throne, it's not even your house. Don't stay a while--get in and get out. End of story.

5. FLUSH. Self explanatory.

6. Spitting? While you're on the toilet? Onto the floor? Giving me a god damn break. That's just disgusting. You should be slapped.

7. Under no circumstances should you believe it okay to whistle. This really is applied to all situations everywhere but especially applicable in a small room with hard, sound-reflective surfaces in the company of pure strangers.

8. I understand you may happen to run into coworkers or even arrive at the same time, but do not carry conversations or tell stories. No one wants to hear you, especially your colleague.

9. Possibly the most ridiculous is the act of leaning against the wall. If you're too heavy to hold up your own weight, go to the gym. If you're too tired to stand on your own two feet, maybe pee sitting down. If you are just a lazy asshole, maybe you should just pee in your pants instead of going to the bathroom at all. Seriously, you look like a tool when you lean against the wall while peeing. (Please note: when intoxicated would be only an acceptable time to do this.)

10. Please eat sensible meals, filled with nutrients and plenty of fiber. It's good for you. And it benifits me: the last thing I--or anyone for that matter--wants to hear is your curry in a hurry resonating through the plumping of the 3rd floor. That burrito grande wasn't such a good idea after all, Shitsy McSplatterbutt? And whats with the taking a shit at 9:12 am? You couldn't have planned it out and sent your logs downstream before leaving the house? Do you have a 2+ hour commute? I am LITERALLY over your shit.


Your mandatory cooperation is appreciated.

Best,


Steven Shyne

Creature Comforts

This is a British show that I just love. Each little episode is about different categories and it's just so fun. Essentially they interview the great British public and put those recording to animal personifications. There are very subtle pieces of comedy so keep an ear out. Enjoy.

Little Italy Walking Tour

Thursday afternoon I received an email at work to see if I was interested in going (for free) on a walking tour of Little Italy. Everyone reading my blog surely knows what I do for a living (and if you don't I'd be happy to explain it to you) so you know it was a "professional development" tour of sorts, but also you will know I love a good walking tour. I'd spoken and exchanged emails with this tour operator before but have never had the pleasure of selling his tour. Well, I accepted and what a treat! John and I just got back from the tour, and it was something else. I'll keep my synopsis brief.

The guide, Anthony, is a New York American-Italian who now lives in San Diego. He had an assistant who is from Rome (like, she still calls that home but lives here for now) and the assistant helped with passing photos out to making sure the headsets worked properly. Oh the headsets! Each person had a headset that received audio from the guide via a microphone, so you could be in the back of the group and still hear what he's yacking about. I loved it. Okay so basically the tour covered San Diego history and what made Italians migrate to San Diego in the first place along with geography, culture, community, religion, commerce and, San Diego's own renaissance of sorts with the revitalization of Little Italy. Very cool. Highly recommend. So here's the kicker--he just does private tours really, only does public tours (I believe) it was every first Saturday. Let me know if you're interested and I'd be happy to give you a full download and put you in touch. If I didn't say it before--highly recommended!

Off to dinner...signing out.

Lady GaGa - Poker Face Live (Piano Version)

To commemorate the restarting of the blog I thought I would share this will all of you. Eldon originally sent this to me, and I pretty much died. For your viewing pleasure, Lady GaGa and her hit song "Poker Face" redone. A new. Like me blog.

Return of the Blog

It's been a rather long absence, but I've decided to return to the blog. It's nice to reflect on recent events and keep a "diary" if you will. As many of you know I'm an open book; my diary is never a closed subject, and I'll readily share (often too liberally) my inner thoughts. So expect some funny/sad/happy/tranny/crazy stories ahead.

Music Video of the Month

Hello all. This is a fantastic music video, kinda creepy, but a great song.

Credits:
Goldfrapp - "Number 1"

Purpetuating the Stereotype

Let me just start by saying this is my first official rant via blog.

As all or many of you know, we (David, Mike, Parker (the dog) and me) moved to a new place in Cortez Hill. Everything is lovely, thank you for asking--couldn't ask for better. Well, I applied for my new parking permit for the Cortez Hill area, and when I was on the phone with the DMV they mentioned that my registration has been suspended. What!? They mentioned that they sent out a letter a couple months ago stating that they needed to have documentation of financial responsibility (aka: a copy of my insurance card). I had already taken care of this months ago shortly after the letter arrived and I guess it wasn't resolved on their end. They gave me some other phone number to call, called said number, spoke to the entire phone tree until they got someone who could help me. And once I got them on the phone, they were like, "Oh yeah, the last person forgot to, like, click the 'finalize' button and process the whatever. It should clear in 48-hours." Stupid--but lovely. Okay...

Called the DMV 2-days later, still didn't clear and the DMV was like, "oh no, it takes 5-days to clear." Okay. Thanks. Called again the next week--nothing. Called the day after--nothing. Called the day ofter that--NOTHING. I'm pissed. I've been taking copious notes of my conversations with everyone I've had--I'm writing names, numbers, dates, times, anything I can. I have two pages of notes listing this whole dilemma out. Why, you may ask? Protection. I have it in my car with me for now if I should get pulled over or whatever I will be able to use those notes to possible persuade the police officer.

ANYWAY, the entire point of all this back-story is so you can get an understanding of the California DMV. I have never been one to bitch about the DMV or government agencies of the like. I know they are a necessary evil and I feel badly for the people that work at those jobs. However, the California DMV is beyond a "necessary" evil and just plain evil. They jerk you around, they don't give a shit about you as a "customer," and frankly they just chap my ass. I fart in their general direction. Shitheads.