Mono?

Where do I even start with this little story. Well, Memorial Day Monday was just like any other day (excluding the fact that it was a paid vacation day off work--holla), except when I woke up, I had a scratchy throat. I thought nothing of it really at first. As the day progressed it kinda got a little worse. Like it was getting painful to drink and swallow. Weird, right? Well I thought to myself let's give it 24-hours and maybe it will clear up, because that's what they say. Sometime in the evening though I sent an email to my boss and the receptionist at work saying there's a chance that I will have to go to the doctor's office in the morning. So I go to bed, wake up the next morning... I could barely breathe. I describe it like an anorexic was choking me. Like, I could respire okay, but it came with a more work than the standard zero point zero zero effort. Freaky! Right? I went to the urgent care up the street from my place (okay, so like 10-blocks but same diff') and they saw me right away. They were asking me all these questions and taking all my vitals and my glads were super swollen (like, I had restricted movement of my head they were so swollen), and the back of my throat was red, like, blood red, like totally infected.

They swabbed my for strep throat, but that was negative--thank goodness right? They then said, "Well, you don't have strep, but you have all the signs of Mono." Mono!? Shit! So they said there's no real test for Mono, except, well, there is, but they have to wait like 5-days after you contract mono to do the test, then it takes like 5-days for the test results to come back and by that point you're either better or dead, I guess. All they could do is give me a prescription for some steroids that will dramatically help my swelling. They proceeded to administer a shot of mega-steroids (so I would start my prescription the next day) and I got the shot right in the fat of my ass. The lady was like, "Good job. Not a flinch, no blood, nothing." I go, "I know, I got a lot of ass back there." Honestly, yeah, I said that. Within 20-minutes the meat of my ass felt like it was hit by a baseball, but like, a baseball on fire. It was sore and it burned, but shortly my throat returned to normal with only a minimal and faint scratchy feeling, like if I ate a tortilla chip and it went down sideways. Relief. So now I'm taking a steroid prescription for 5-days, and if the swelling comes back after 5-days I have Mono. If I don't I just had a swollen shut throat phenomenon. What else... Oh but the steroids side affects are a whole other basket of issues to deal with. Following are said side affects:

1) May cause sleeplessness: the first night I took the administered super-shot of steroids, I slept a total of 2-hours the whole night, but I was completely energized. It was crazy. They called the next day for a check-up call, and I asked them if that was typical. The person whom I spoke with said that the last person that had the steroid shot cleaned her whole house, top to bottom, in and out, overnight--in one night. That was me too I guess because I went to the grocery store, cleaned, worked out for an hour and a half THEN got ready for work and started my day. It was nuts.

2) Increase of appetite: Now I'm not sure to what level this means, but I have noticed I'll eat just about anything right now. I usually inhale food, yes, but since I've been on the medication I just eat anything and everything. My eyes haven't been bigger than my stomach once.

3) Upset stomach: I get heartburn sometimes, not too badly, but occasionally. All week though I've had to take like 2 pepcids a day. Very unusual.

These symptoms, after reading the possible other side affects, I will gladly and happily take. Following are a list of other side affects: black stools, "coffee-ground" vomit (seriously!), puffy face, seizures, thinning skin, unusual hair growth, vision changes. It's like, what the hell... Anyway, that's what I'm dealing with right now kids. It's always something. I hope you enjoyed my little story. There's no way to wrap this one up except by saying Mono (or something like it) has been a pain in my ass. Cheers.