To the patrons of the men's bathroom in my office building: Gentlemen and Sirs,
As you already know, we share a common space by the elevator in the hallway known as the men's restroom. I'd like to set out a couple of "guidelines" in the following which are not open to discussion:
1. First and foremost, wash your hands. This may seem like a childish and outdated practice but please, for god sakes, think of where your hands are going to be AFTER your done fondling your gentiles. Your computer? Your phone? Food? Gross. Pigs.
2. If you have the urge to let out a sign while urinating, maybe you should have done it hours ago; keep your sounds and signals of satisfaction to yourselves--internally.
3. Don't talk on your cell phone in the bathroom. YOU'RE NOT THAT IMPORTANT. It's proof that you're a total asshole.
4. Do not--I repeat--Do not bring reading materials into the stalls. This isn't your throne, it's not even your house. Don't stay a while--get in and get out. End of story.
5. FLUSH. Self explanatory.
6. Spitting? While you're on the toilet? Onto the floor? Giving me a god damn break. That's just disgusting. You should be slapped.
7. Under no circumstances should you believe it okay to whistle. This really is applied to all situations everywhere but especially applicable in a small room with hard, sound-reflective surfaces in the company of pure strangers.
8. I understand you may happen to run into coworkers or even arrive at the same time, but do not carry conversations or tell stories. No one wants to hear you, especially your colleague.
9. Possibly the most ridiculous is the act of leaning against the wall. If you're too heavy to hold up your own weight, go to the gym. If you're too tired to stand on your own two feet, maybe pee sitting down. If you are just a lazy asshole, maybe you should just pee in your pants instead of going to the bathroom at all. Seriously, you look like a tool when you lean against the wall while peeing. (Please note: when intoxicated would be only an acceptable time to do this.)
10. Please eat sensible meals, filled with nutrients and plenty of fiber. It's good for you. And it benifits me: the last thing I--or anyone for that matter--wants to hear is your curry in a hurry resonating through the plumping of the 3rd floor. That burrito grande wasn't such a good idea after all, Shitsy McSplatterbutt? And whats with the taking a shit at 9:12 am? You couldn't have planned it out and sent your logs downstream before leaving the house? Do you have a 2+ hour commute? I am LITERALLY over your shit.
Your mandatory cooperation is appreciated.
Best,
Steven Shyne
2. If you have the urge to let out a sign while urinating, maybe you should have done it hours ago; keep your sounds and signals of satisfaction to yourselves--internally.
3. Don't talk on your cell phone in the bathroom. YOU'RE NOT THAT IMPORTANT. It's proof that you're a total asshole.
4. Do not--I repeat--Do not bring reading materials into the stalls. This isn't your throne, it's not even your house. Don't stay a while--get in and get out. End of story.
5. FLUSH. Self explanatory.
6. Spitting? While you're on the toilet? Onto the floor? Giving me a god damn break. That's just disgusting. You should be slapped.
7. Under no circumstances should you believe it okay to whistle. This really is applied to all situations everywhere but especially applicable in a small room with hard, sound-reflective surfaces in the company of pure strangers.
8. I understand you may happen to run into coworkers or even arrive at the same time, but do not carry conversations or tell stories. No one wants to hear you, especially your colleague.
9. Possibly the most ridiculous is the act of leaning against the wall. If you're too heavy to hold up your own weight, go to the gym. If you're too tired to stand on your own two feet, maybe pee sitting down. If you are just a lazy asshole, maybe you should just pee in your pants instead of going to the bathroom at all. Seriously, you look like a tool when you lean against the wall while peeing. (Please note: when intoxicated would be only an acceptable time to do this.)
10. Please eat sensible meals, filled with nutrients and plenty of fiber. It's good for you. And it benifits me: the last thing I--or anyone for that matter--wants to hear is your curry in a hurry resonating through the plumping of the 3rd floor. That burrito grande wasn't such a good idea after all, Shitsy McSplatterbutt? And whats with the taking a shit at 9:12 am? You couldn't have planned it out and sent your logs downstream before leaving the house? Do you have a 2+ hour commute? I am LITERALLY over your shit.
Your mandatory cooperation is appreciated.
Best,
Steven Shyne
And when you wash your hands, use soap. Running your hands under water does not magically make the bad, bad germs run away. They are still there.
ReplyDeleteAnd, by the way, your co-workers pay attention to these things when they are in there with you. And they talk about it. So don't think it's your dirty little secret for you to keep! My spy tells me which women don't wash their hands, so be warned!!